Mai writes…
Well that was an odd meeting. I hope it is not a hint at what more is to come tomorrow at the ball. I’m trying so hard to be excited about the ball after all. I watch my other clan-mates take joy in these little games and I know I stand apart but I’m trying. I don’t hate them. No, I love them for their innocence. I wouldn’t want them to change. I want them to believe that I am having a blast at that ball tomorrow and I will do my best to make them believe that. That is my job.
Except for Alicia. I must speak with Alicia.
So many odd things happened this night. With some of my coterie mates as deputies to Bishop Mendelsohn, I wonder how that will affect us as a coterie. I have heard of Bishop Mendelsohn’s methods before. Suffice it to say I am unhappy that the prince has chosen to allow those methods even for a day, and even if it is meant to punish Mendelsohn. I am further displeased that JT, Aiden, and Manfred, who were already concerns, are going to be part of that. I will NOT accept those methods within our coterie, so heaven forbid they bring their learnings into our little group.
I cannot be part of that. I have people… living, breathing, beautiful, innocent mortal people. They have saved me many times over without even knowing, and I cannot let them down. I cannot become a beast yet. I have seen many things and I watch my coterie fall into beastliness and I can’t even feel the excitement my clan feels anymore but goddammit I will NOT.
If I do we will be just like the others. Just like them.
I wonder who their last line of defense was. I wonder how she broke...
It was then, as I watched my coterie mates follow the Grand Inquisitor out of the room that Jen chose to approach me. I could not be as open with her as I would’ve liked, though I could see the effort she was making. She was trying to tell me my story but perhaps she was telling me her own story.
Nevertheless, I was approached in the middle of a room full of vipers and I could not allow that mask of serenity to drop. I hope she understands. I’m a different person at court. They must know this by now and yet every time, they forget. I am Innocent at court. I am thrilled, enthralled, supportive. You know two people, Jen. You know Mai and you know a harpy. I was the harpy this night. I apologize, but I can’t bring Mai to court. You of anyone must understand.
I really wish we could’ve spoken elsewhere, but that was not to be. Jen must want something from me because she brought up those lost years. I could not tell if she is afraid that I will break or afraid that she will break. Or if she was afraid she has already broken. I answered her with a barbed tongue and coldness. I answered her as the harpy because that is who she approached. I wish one day they would learn just to ask directly for favors rather than try to manipulate them out of me with those years. They will find I am accommodating most times.
But then again, maybe she did not want something that I was not already signed up to give. Maybe she wanted to sympathize…
⚠ <i>No⚠ </i>. No one has ever wanted to sympathize. My sire was in the very same clinic and yet we have never spoken of it. My ghoul brought me out of there somehow and yet has never said a word, even if I asked. JT has used it many times to make me do his bidding. No. No one sympathizes. It is for exploiting or sweeping under the carpet… one or the other, but never ever for speaking of in a friendly way. She must want something.
Oh.
It is my blood. She’s afraid hers is broken after what happened on the yacht… but my blood was crafted to be like hers.
All the times we used her without ever speaking of it because of her blood’s special flavor… and never apologized. It is like…
Yes. I see her point now.
I’m sorry, Jen. Neither of us signed up for that particular quality. Perhaps you were trying to give me a moment of company before the years of alienation that you must’ve gone through commence.
But, Jen, I am no stranger to alienation. I appear to be with my clan at court, but acting is one of the better patronized arts. I have yet to ask to be let out of the agreement. I knew what I was signing. I crafted most of those words, dictating them to Manfred. I have had my moments of regret, but you will never see them.
That’s part of my job.
I know you believe me to be crippled. I will allow you all this belief. Mai is afraid of everything, which means that if Mai cowers there is little to fear and if Mai does not cower, there is nothing to fear. This is how I keep you calm.
Everyone in the world it seems has learned to use my weaknesses against me. I have learned a few tricks myself.
We’re going to be ok, Jen. We’re going to get Randolf back here before he becomes like Strauss. JT, Manfred, and Aiden are not going to become monsters just yet. I will remain who you have always known, a staying force in these ever-changing circumstances, endearingly afraid of everything, embarrassingly uncultured… Mai.
You won’t see the line I drew where it became an act rather than reality. You won’t see the private moments at my safehouses were I allow myself to be shocked by the things we’ve seen or worse, the things we’ve done.
I have people. Dead, powerful, beautiful, amazing vampire people who hold onto sanity with their last claw and hold onto humanity with less than that.
I’m not about to change, Jen. I already have changed.
Jen Writes:
Once again, dragged into, what? Needless nothing, all show, no go. At least it was neat of Aiden to stand behind me, though I might want to get her to talk with Mia about some things.
Bishop named Sherif. Good compromise. Make the Malkavians play seriouse for the time being. Decent move, but just who will the Elders drag into this.
Crap. JT a Deputy. Time to dissapear, if possible. Hopefully Winston lets me and Aiden leave.
Ha! Manfred also deputized. Guess he was to slow to get out.
Ah heck, might as well stick around and watch, this is getting amusing. Here they come, and here they go. Whew!
Shoot, here comes the Bishop. Aiden? Aiden!?! Oh good, can barely keep from laughing. Might as well head over to Mai, see if she can talk.
Hmm, most interesting. Seems we do see thigs eye to eye. Well, fairly close. She seems to accept just what she may be in the Old Malks eyes, and what it is we all must do. Very good. Can not think of her as a week link, not that I ever truly believed she was. Once she cuts loose... Really going to be interesting to watch.
She seems so aware, so understanding and in control of her self. If she could always be this way, instead of letting others grip her fear and twist it to thier own ends. Especially Manfred. I think she agrees with me, that he is becoming more like a certain former Prince to us. That he needs to be watched, held in some degree of check now.
I just hope she understands that is now her responsability.
Well, time to leave, I've stayed my welcome here long enough. Hope I can get ahold of JT, Aiden, or both, have my little talk with them. Whoops, there goes my luck. Alisha, Tourador Primogen. Hope she can keep her cool, that this is not about...
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