Greetings! Strauss here, with one of my weekly
tidbits of joyous enlightenment. Now, I know
what you're thinking (as always). These "weekly"
delights are not scheduled according to that
bastard Gregory's calendar. But, on to the lesson:
Mr. Music walked into a bar. After picking
himself off the ground, he followed the wall to
the door and went inside the building, to find
Wagner and Handel sitting in a booth on the far side.
Mr. Music ordered a round of seven drinks and
wandered over to the pair. On the table in front
of them was a chess set that was positioned in
the opening moves. Mr. Music stood beside
Wagner and watched the game being played.
While Wagner and Handel were engrossed in the
game Mr. Music passed the time by eating any
piece that was removed, washing them down with
large gulps from his seven empty glasses. Looking
up, Handel smacked Mr. Music on the nose most
painfully. "Cough those up!" Demanded Handel
as this was the set he borrowed from Strativarius
and didn't know what it was made of, bone maybe
...but you can never be too sure. After a few
retching sounds, the pieces were replaced in their
case and Mr. Music looked embarrassed. Actually,
he had gas from drinking all the air.
The game continued and Wagner moved one of his
knights in a straight line. "See, it moves like this
because the horse is wearing blinders."
After watching the game for a while Mr. Music was
picking up on the rules. It wasn't long before he was
making moves for Handel. "See, a pawn can move
three squares as its got celerity but the queen gets to
move anyway as being a woman who can stop her?"
"Whose move it it?" Asked Handel.
"Your's I believe." Replied Mr. Music.
"Oh is it? But we're noth black, how can you tell?"
Inquired Handel.
"I've been counting the empty rum bottles, the king can
only move one square at a time because he's a
drunkard and because of all the nagging from his wife
the queen."
Handel reached across and motioned to take the
white king. Wagner said, "Too bad the bishop has that
divine connection. He'll just reincarnate the king."
"I like white pieces," said Mr. Music. "They have half
the calories."
Handel pushed a pawn across the board but miscalculated
the angle. The piece fell off the table and was counted
as missing in action for the rest of the game.
Wagner moved a rook but then took it off the board
as its new foundations were bad. Handel started to
worry as white appeared to be winning despite being
ganged up against two to one. Mr. Music changed
sides and fought against Handel just to prove life isn't fair.
Handel moved a pawn and removed both the opposite
bishops. "He had a sniper rifle," grinned Handel.
Mr. Music took off Handel's last rook with a cunning
play of his dwarven sapper piece. Handel used his
knights to slow all of Mr. Music's pieces down to half
movement due to the horse doo doo. Mr. Music cursed
as he left his pooper scooper home that night.
Mr. Music wondered to himself if rumming up the pieces
would be considered underhanded play?
Mr. Music took off one of his own rooks as he forgot to
get building permission for it. In retaliation Wagner armed
his knights with toothpick lances and ran them into all the
helpless pawns. "Charge!" Shouted Wagner as the pawns
were staked.
Mr. Music muttered to himself as he faked a department
store sale and conned the black queen into an ambush in
the fitting room. Without breaking stride Wagner slapped
some evidence down on the table and removed the
remaining black bishop for his 'fall from grace with the
queen.' The queen was also removed for infidelity.
Mr. Music noticed that Handel's king could now move three
squares at a time as he was free from his wife's nagging.
Handel decided Mr. Music was on the ropes and gave all
of his pawns field promotions to knights. Mr. Music swore
but caught one of the new knights in a compromising
position with the king. "Check, you don't think they earned
all those promotions on merit do you?" Asked Mr. Music.
Handel reached into the discard box and produced a new
king. Mr. Music immediately removed this piece as the
DNA testing proved inconclusive so the royal line was
discontinued. With a smile Wagner moved his mystery
piece and shifted Bill Gates onto the middle of the board.
"Removal of the king has caused a general protection fault
in the game, reboot and start over," said Wagner. Handel
played his special piece and revealed his king as really
being Elvis and as such was still alive.
Wagner restarted the game as fresh drinks were brought to
the table. As play commenced again Wagner moved all
of his pawns at once as they were siamese twins.
Mr. Music pounced on this tactic and removed half of the
pawns as they were ghosts that were lagged out. To show
that he was not beaten Wagner sent in the CIA and
removed the entire white noble class as they were fixing
oil prices. In disgust Mr. Music removed his own queen
for being a cross-dressing toreador bastard. In the final
move Handel removed Mr. Music's bishops for child
pornography charges and Mr. Music conceded defeat.
Mr. Music gathered up the board and pieces and the trio
left for hunting grounds afresh.
Now if you haven't learned anything from this, you'll
probably never learn anything from me and might as
well sack it.
Until next time, your mentor Strauss
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