Serpent Harmonious Jade is enjoying a pleasant lunch at Crazy Haqim's Kebab Paradise when she notices that one of her kebabs is...unappetizingly fibrous. And crunchy. Like paper. It turns out that there is, in fact, a rolled up (slightly greasy) piece of paper inside.
jade{A} makes a face, spitting out the piece of note she'd bitten off, and assembling the two halves back together, more or less. "People can't just send a message anymore, can they?" she mutters.
Serpent After reassembly, it reads: Dear Jade, meet me for a drink? I'll be at the Fountain of the Drowned Maiden at half-past the Hour of the Dog. Thanks, Serpent Ebb."
jade{A} dissects the rest of her kebabs before eating them, then heads over to the Fountain around the appointed time.
Serpent is sitting at the fountain, reading a serial mystery novel. There is a poorly-drawn picture of a man with a magistrate's hat and sort of a loupe-on-a-stick on the cover. After a moment, he looks up.
Serpent "Oh, hello, Jade. Fancy seeing you here!"
Serpent studiously pretends he is surprised.
jade{A} eyes him for a moment, then figures she might as well play along. "What brings you to the Fountain of the Drowned Maiden this lovely day?" she plasters on a smile.
Serpent "Only the lovely weather, and the pleasant sound of water splashing. It goes with my book." He holds it up. The cover reads, 'Judge Wu and the Case of the Dragon's Mixed-Up Clouds.'
Serpent "I was wondering...aren't you spying on us?"
jade{A} produces a bottle of Elora's favorite whiskey. She's stocked up. "I don't think it counts as spying anymore."
Serpent "Guess not. Uh...why WERE you, anyway? It's not like we do anything interesting."
jade{A} shrugs a little, pouring two glasses of the liquor. "I wasn't spying on you, specifically. I was just trying to find out what's happening in Heaven. You, well Autumn, sort of waylaid me along the way, and I decided to stay with you because you seemed to know what was going on here, more or less."
Serpent takes a glass and grins. "Heh, more or less. Yeah. There's been so much going on, I haven't gotten a chance to go and dance for like a week."
Serpent "So, have you been finding anything out?"
Serpent taps his feet. "It seems like...all this stuff...it isn't very important. I can't imagine what you Solars would have interest in."
jade{A} takes a sip of her whiskey and trails the fingers of her free hand in the water. "Well I found out that there are Chosen of the Stars."
Serpent "Hm."
jade{A} "You seem to be trying to save the world, like us. That's important, isn't it?"
Serpent "Maybe."
Serpent "I mean, I guess worlds are okay and it's courteous to save things that are in danger, right?"
jade{A} "That, and it's your job, right?"
Serpent "But I wonder sometimes about the message of the Dancer. There's this legend, see, about this maiden who danced every dance, and she knew all the steps."
Serpent "Yeah, it's a job. I guess that counts for something." He drains his glass. "But then she missed a step, and she learned the joy of dancing poorly."
Serpent "I think that means, she learned the secret of changing the world for the better."
jade{A} "Dancing poorly changes things for the better?" she smiles wryly.
Serpent chuckles. "You're very good at not talking about yourself. Um, ...we talk in metaphor a lot, I guess."
Serpent "It's hard not to."
jade{A} "I suppose. You seem very distant from humanity."
Serpent "It's the price of living among gods, yeah. I miss the earth, some days."
Serpent "Squishing sand between my toes."
jade{A} "At least people don't think you're a demon."
Serpent "Mm. That must be vexing."
Serpent "Have you ever tried it? Being a demon I mean."
jade{A} considers. "No, I wouldn't know how."
Serpent "I might start by doing all the terrible things they say you do. Bathe in the blood of virgins to soften your golden skin, mate with tigers and horses, tie bits on men and ride them across the countryside, &c."
Serpent "Just to get the juices flowing."
jade{A} "are you recommending I do this?"
Serpent suddenly stifles a giggle. "...juices..."
Serpent "Oh, um, not at all."
Serpent "Just curious."
jade{A} "You're kind of strange."
jade{A} takes a bigger sip of whiskey.
jade{A} "Have you ever done any of that?"
Serpent "Um."
Serpent "Only the &c. bit."
jade{A} "What goes inside the &c.?"
Serpent "Theft of rare magical treasures, assassinating dignitaries, (swearing oaths to assist in the destruction of Creation), um, you know, stuff."
jade{A} raises a brow. "Stuff."
Serpent "Once I dressed up as a butler, even. Serious stuff."
jade{A} "Let me just pick out one example here, but if you swore an oath to assist in the destruction of Creation, why are you bothering with any of this?" She gestures towards Elora's manse.
Serpent "Did I say that out loud? Buttwhistle."
Serpent hesitates.
jade{A} waits patiently
Serpent "So, fairies are strange. I wanted to know how they...do fairy stuff, and one of them said he'd teach me, but I had to give something in return."
jade{A} "mmhmmm" she tops off the two glasses and works on returning hers to its previous level
Serpent "So I promised to help destroy Gem a little bit."
Serpent "That's how I learned to do that neat watery jar thing."
jade{A} "You know," she says conversationally, "I lived in Gem."
Serpent "Yeah, I stayed there for a few months once, for a job. Nice place, eh."
jade{A} "Are you also planning to kill everyone in the city?"
Serpent "I think the plan was to um...sort of whisk it off to fairyland."
jade{A} "Don't fae eat souls?"
Serpent "And/or shift the borders of fairyland such as to encompass it."
Serpent looks horrified. "I hope not! Ali might have eaten mine already!"
Serpent pats himself all over. "There aren't any pieces missing, are there?"
jade{A} "well you DID agree to doom an entire city."
Serpent stands up and checks to see that his butt is intact. "Doom, spoom. I don't do stuff I can't undo."
Serpent "Uh."
Serpent "Except for killing people in their face."
jade{A} "Is that different than normal killing?"
Serpent has more drink.
Serpent "It's a technical term for, um, actually killing people."
jade{A} "Does that include backstabbing, or only when they know you're there?"
Serpent "As opposed to 'kidnap and install a surrogate corpse' for purposes of observation of consequences with reversibility."
jade{A} "Do you...do that? A lot?"
Serpent "When we have the time. It's a little tedious, you know, making the fakes."
Serpent "And expensive."
jade{A} "I see. Yes, that must be difficult for you."
jade{A} takes another, long, drink.
Serpent "Well, there is the shortcut way, which is where you arrange the surrogate corpse to have no face. The faces are the hardest bit."
jade{A} "Isn't that sort of suspicious?"
Serpent "If you do it wrong. Luckily, tyrant lizards like to eat the head first."
Serpent "If you know anyone that was eaten by a tyrant lizard, um, they probably really weren't."
jade{A} thinks about that.
Serpent "Helpful tip."
jade{A} "..."
jade{A} "I thought that was sort of odd."
jade{A} "Where do you keep the kidnapped ones?"
Serpent "Den Bao might know. We just deliver the subjects to their department."
Serpent "I got to keep a puppeteer for like a week this one time, when the paperwork got tangled up. He was very sanguine about the whole thing, taught me how to work a marionette."
jade{A} "He...wasn't upset that you had kidnapped him and faked his death by tyrant lizard?"
Serpent thinks about this.
Serpent "...I...I'm not sure I told him that second bit."
jade{A} "What DID you tell him? That he won a free vacation to Oz?"
Serpent "More or less."
jade{A} rubs her forehead. "Well I guess that's sort of nice of you."
Serpent shrugs, "Mm. I do try to be nice, within the constraints of my job."
Serpent "It is a bit taxing on the little grey cells."
jade{A} "I see."
Serpent "Another thing I was wondering...where does that bow of yours go? Does it fold up?"
jade{A} gestures, and it appears out of thin air. "I'm not sure, really. Arianna calls it Elsewhere, but that doesn't really mean anything as far as I can tell."
Serpent "Bonus."
jade{A} "It's handy. I'm never unarmed."
Serpent "Hm."
Serpent "I just kill people with my fingers."
Serpent "...I mean, fight with my fingers."
jade{A} "Do you really mean that?"
Serpent "Hm? Which part, the fighting part or the fingers part?"
jade{A} "Both."
Serpent "Um, yes. It's kind of traditional around here." He demonstrates by taking a piece of paper out of his sleeve, tossing it in the air, and punching a hole in it as it falls.
jade{A} "Autumn started to teach me some of it. It's very beautiful."
Serpent smiles. "That's what I love about it."
jade{A} "What styles do you know?"
Serpent "Only one...my fairy friend taught it to me. It's called the Argent Scorpion of Opposition. I think one of us Star-Chosen made it a long time ago, but no one else in Heaven practices it."
jade{A} "Why not?"
Serpent "It's long and impractical and politically incorrect."
jade{A} tries to picture a politically incorrect martial art. "I see. And what drove you to learn it, other than the fact it was different?"
Serpent "I didn't have a style yet, at the time, and as long as I had Ali's attention, I figured...why not take whatever I can from him?"
Serpent "It will make it easier to deal with him if that time comes."
jade{A} "Do you plan to break your oath?"
Serpent "No...I am not sure I even -can-. But ...something."
Serpent "I don't want him to have any power I can't imitate or understand."
jade{A} "What if someone else were to foil the invasion. Would you try very hard to stop them?"
Serpent shakes head.
jade{A} nods thoughtfully, swirling the whiskey in the glass. "Interesting. I don't suppose you have a date set for it yet?"
Serpent "Nope. They feed me info on a need-to-know basis, pretty much."
jade{A} "Well, let me know if you suddenly need to run off to the South for a holiday."
Serpent "Will do."
jade{A} runs her thumb along the engravings of her powerbow. "Thank you."
jade{A} "So, I thought I should doublecheck with you to see if I need to be watching my back or sleeping more lightly from now on."
Serpent tilts his head. "Why--oh."
Serpent "I think you're under Autumn's protectorate, which I think means that if anyone fucks with you they answer to the rest of the sphere too. Not that you seem to need it."
Serpent "But that should deter the more casual bumping-off attempts."
jade{A} nods thoughtfully. "Thank you. I have to admit, I did not expect to be having pleasant conversations in Heaven after my identity was revealed."
Serpent smiles.
jade{A} finishes the rest of her glass. "I should go. Next time, can you please keep messages outside of the food, though?"
Serpent "Sure. Thanks for stopping by."
Serpent resolves to find a way to hide notes in Jade's underwear without her noticing.
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