Asterope hums happily as her car pulls up in front of Yed's house. Good memories! She stops for a moment, gets the Icy Hot out of her purse, and dabs a small amount under each eye, and then systematically goes about smudging her mascara.
Asterope She hops out of her car, closes the door with her hip, and pops the trunk, retrieving a headless teddy bear and a baseball bat. She closes the trunk and lets out a deafening yell: "YED YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
Yed Inside staring blankly at his homework, Yed jumps with a start.
Yed "What the hell?" he asks, looking out the window.
Yed "Toomuchtoomuchtoomuch!" Yed bolts for the front door.
Asterope looks completely disheveled and sobbing. "I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU DID TO ME! AFTER EVERYTHING WE HAD! I INTRODUCED YOU TO MY FUCKING PARENTS!"
Asterope "WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO PROM! WE HAD A FU-- FU--" she's a little overcome. "FUTURE!"
Yed "What?! I didn't do anything!" Yed's eyes dart nervously to the front window as he runs out onto the lawn.
Yed "Um, sweetheart!"
Mr Yed comes out of his study, baffled, and heads towards the door, before stopping to watch the lovebirds from a safe distance.
Asterope As promised, Asterope takes off one of her heels and breaks out his tail lights. "Oh, SURE, you didn't do anything. EXCEPT BREAK MY HEART!"
Yed "Holy shit!" Yed notices the movement at the window. "Er, crap!"
Yed "Calm down!"
Yed "My car!"
Yed 's face turns bright red.
Mr Yed blinks, and disappears from the door again.
Asterope "Yes, YOUR CAR! Where we had our first kiss! I WILL REDUCE IT TO RUBBLE JUST LIKE YOU DID TO MY SELF ESTEEM!" She keys the side.
Asterope "And see this? The teddy bear you gave me on our first date? THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF YOUR ATTEMPTS AT ROMANCE!" She flings the headless doll towards Yed's house.
Yed "I never gave you that teddy bear! You're insane!"
Yed "Whatever you're doing, this is too much!" Yed tries to pull her away from the car.
Asterope sits on top of the hood of the car, sobbing. "Why do I still love yoooooou?"
Asterope "Just leave me alone! Leave me by the garbage and your really quite unattractive vehicle!"
Yed "Just go away! I don't want you here anymore!"
Mr Yed reappears at the door, looking determined. The faint sound of sirens can be heard in the distance.
Yed turns towards the door. "She's not my girlfriend! She's crazy!"
Asterope looks miserable and pathetic. "YOU NEVER WANTED ME IN THE FIRST PLA--" she darts her eyes down the street. "Oh shit, Police. Later Yed!"
Mr Yed "It's okay. It's okay! Everything's going to be okay."
Asterope She manages a halfhearted wave and BOLTS for her car.
Mr Yed darts out the door and starts scribbling down her license plate number.
Yed Coming to his senses, Yed sees his father and panics, trying to move into the line of sight between his dad and the car.
Yed "Dad, tell me you didn't call the police!"
Mr Yed "Excuse me, Yed, I can't see her license plate when you stand there."
Asterope screeeeeches off into the distance.
Mr Yed "Of course I called the police. A crazy woman is attacking my son and vandalizing his car for no reason? You'd better believe I called the police."
Yed "I know! Don't. She... she doesn't deserve that."
Yed "No, no. I-"
Yed "I deserved that."
Mr Yed "What did you DO?"
Yed sits on the grass. "Don't give them the plate number, please."
Mr Yed "Just tell me what's going on, son."
Yed "I, uh..."
Yed "I kissed another girl."
Mr Yed "Another girl besides whom?"
Mr Yed "You kissed that girl."
Yed "She wasn't threatening my life at the time."
Yed "I mean, yes."
Yed gets a little carried away.
Yed "Tons of times."
Mr Yed "Son, you don't have to lie to me. I won't get upset with you, no matter what you did."
Yed "Okay, um..."
Yed "I kissed her best friend."
Mr Yed "And so she broke your taillight? Hello, officer."
Officer "I hear there was a domestic disturbance?"
Yed stands up. "Yeah, no, just a little scuffle." Yed looks at his dad.
Officer looks at the father apprasingly. "Was this between you and your son?"
Mr Yed "What? No, of course not."
Yed "No, no."
Mr Yed "My son was assaulted by a crazed girl, for a reason he won't presume to share with me."
Yed is totally over his head now.
Yed "It was just a bad break-up, and she didn't assault me!"
Officer "Oh." The officer takes an apprasing look at Yed, and is obviously fighting to hide his amusement. "And where is this 'girl?'"
Yed "She drove off."
Yed "I, um, don't want to press charges."
Officer chuckles a little. "Of course you don't, son. I'm sure you and this 'girl' will come to terms."
Yed looks at the ground.
Mr Yed frowns, but says nothing.
Officer "If uh, she comes back, feel free to give us a call." He tips his hat. "Goodnight, and stay safe."
Mr Yed "You too, officer. Sorry to drag you out all this way for nothing."
Officer "It's part of my job, sir."
Mr Yed turns to look at his son with a certain abstracted disbelief.
Yed "Thanks, officer."
Officer heads back to his car, shaking his head.
Yed Yed turns to his dad. "Thanks," he says quietly.
Mr Yed "Sure."
Mr Yed "You really dated a girl that looked like that?"